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But now I know she
Never was and never will be
You don’t know how you’ve betrayed me
And somehow you’ve got everybody fooled




Having spent the last 40 years of his life making films about the abuse he commits in his personal life, Allen’s career is a surreal metric for the lengths Hollywood will go to in order to protect its male auteur darlings. Allen is afraid of a witch hunt coming for him, but he’s laid out bread crumbs for us the whole way.


Allen’s archive is a garden of earthly deletes — decades of notes and stories and sketches that the prolific filmmaker exiled, for whatever reason, to the shadowlands in between whole-hearted commitment and half-hearted possession. His screenplays are often Freudian, and they generally feature him (or some avatar for him) sticking almost religiously to a formula: A relationship on the brink of failure is thrown into chaos by the introduction of a compelling outsider, almost always a young woman.


Nabokov’s Lolita is one of the most stolen books in New York.


I’ve just discovered that Alexander has quietly posted his controversial debut movie Pink online in full on Youtube. Sorry, no English subs available.

Some general information about this film and its context:

– As late as 2006 when this movie premiered, Greek cinemas were overwhelmingly not yet equiped with digital projectors and hence young Greek filmmakers were still shooting their movies on film. Alexander had no budget while shooting the movie (he only obtained funding ex post to finish it and make copies for distribution to festivals), so the film was shot on leftover filmstock salvaged from Athenian advertising companies, back then a common way for young filmmakers to obtain film for free. The filmstock obtained from the advertising companies was of variable quality and type, which is reflected in the end product.

– Mirroring the youthful themes of the film, Alexander’s film crew was mostly young film students. His make up artist in Pink was the late actress Mary Tsoni, who was then just 17 years old.

– At the time Alexander hated living in Athens and did not want to depict the city in the film. Models of urban landscapes were constructed and painted panels were placed before windows, lending a kind of dreamy quality to the mise en scene.

– Alexander performed the main character in this movie but due extremely personal nature of the movie the experience of performing a character so close to himself left him extremely anxious and depressed. It took years of counseling before Alex would appear in another movie. He says he only does it now as a favour to filmmaker friends.


– Alexander became so anxious about showing this movie to audience that he would suffer from severe panic attacks prior to screenings. These were so debilitating that he eventually did not wish to screen the movie anywhere at all. For almost a decade Pink was not shown anywhere in or outside of Greece and was basically unavailable, with fans constantly begging Alex on Facebook to post the movie somewhere and Alex deflecting saying he did not have a good digital copy to post. For a long time there were only a couple of excerpts of the film on Youtube and a handful of promo stills.

– Another factor contributing to Alex’s emotional distress at the time were the negative reviews the movie received both within and outside of Greece. Alexander was not used to such criticism and took these reviews rather personally.

– Alexander met Romanna Lobats, the young actress who plays the character of Cnezanna, on the set of his father’s 2004 movie The Brides. There is a shot at the beginning of The Brides that briefly shows Romanna in the foreground with a crowd of brides behind her. The friendship depicted in Pink is based on Alexander’s actual friendship to Romanna Lobats and his conflicting feelings about their relationship. Several songs on Alexander’s debut album 50 Gawddamned Songs were inspired by that relationship.

– Alexander’s main cinematic influences for Pink were Todd Solonz’s Happiness, Kubrick’s Lolita, the Pearl Jam music video for Jeremy, the twin brothers from Cronenberg’s Dead Ringers, Edward Scissorhands, The Elephant Man and Alan Parker’s now largely forgotten debut feature movie Bugsy Malone which was Jodie Foster’s film debut.

– Body Dysmorphic Disorder was not a term on anyone’s lips at the time, but this movie is very much informed by Alexander’s experiences with the condition. The scenes of hair removal in the movie Pink are in reference of Alexander’s dysmorphia regarding his own body hair, something he also brought up in his songs at the time (“Πως μου την έσπαγε το λευκό παιδικό μου δέρμα και τα μικρά μου τα βυζιά/Με χάιδευα παντού. Ακόμα και στα τριχωτά μου χέρια που ξέρεις πως πάντα τα σταυρώνω από ντροπή.”). Several years ago Alexander posted a Facebook update saying that as a child he immediately identified himself with Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. Alexander keeps two folders on his Facebook wall titled “Identification”, one with pictures of male actors and one with pictures of female actors. (See what I mean? Now you know.)


Σε ποιες γραμμές να χωρέσουν οι ιδέες μας
Ποιον θόρυβο νάρκισσο να δεχτεί η σιωπή μας.

Reconnaissance Flight (short story)

The following story is a work of fiction and bears no relation to existing people or events.

Είχα ένα όνειρο πως πετούσα πάνω από ένα γυμνό σώμα και το παρακολουθούσα από ψηλά όπως μέσα από ένα ελικόπτερο. Η μπορεί να ήμουνα και τηλεκινούμενο, δεν ξέρω. Το σώμα αυτό, που είχε ανδρικά και γυναικεία στοιχεία, ήταν σαν μια απέραντη επέκταση. Το σώμα εμφανιζότανστην αρχικά σαν ένας ψηφιακός σκελετός, όπως ένα 3D animation πριν του περσάσεις το φίλτρο με την σάρκα καλύπτοντας το εξωτερικό. Μετά η εικονα άρχισε να αναβοσβήνει και εμφανίστηκε σαν κανονικό σώμα. Μόνο όταν έφτασα στο πρόσωπο και είδα το δικό σου κατάλαβα πως το σώμα που παρακολουθούσα είναι το δικό σου. Είχες τα μάτια σου κλειστά και ένα στεφάνι από λουλούδια στα μαλλιά όπως η Frida που και οι δύο μας αγαπάμε και κοιμόσουνα ήρεμα. Ούτε που έπαιρνες χαμπάρι το ελικόπτερο/τηλεκινούμενο που περνούσε από πάνω σου. Ξαφνιάστηκα και ντράπηκα τόσο πολύ που ξύπνησα αμέσως.

Σε παρακαλώ, μην εμφανίζεσαι άλλο πια στα όνειρα μου. Δεν αντέχω άλλο. Κάθε φορά που ακούω αυτό το τραγούδι σε σκέφτομαι και κλαίω. Θέλω να σταματήσω να κλαίω. Δεν θέλω να σε αναζητώ στα όνειρα μου. Δεν θέλω αλλά παρακοινωνικά όνειρα. Θέλω να σε βλέπω να χάνεσαι μακριά, πάντα ελεύθερη.

Panting Neon Princess Tastes The Candy Content With Contents

Aropax is Paxil, a drug for depression, anxiety and panic disorders. I think the line is ‘bow and aropax’, like bow and arrow. This song is beautiful and sad. ‘But it’s all the same to me’ describes the feeling of being on the meds, how it controls your feelings and there is no happiness or deep depression, it just makes you dull and dispassionate.


That is the difference.
No matter how sad or angry or hopeless I felt, I would rather kill myself than allow an expert to take away my ability to feel sadness or happiness in the name of normalcy.
The difference is that it never even crossed my mind that there was a way for me to escape from myself and become someone else. Or that attempting this would solve a damn thing. I could spend a lifetime panting trying to outrun myself. 
And if that exit into another life or self existed by virtue of being sanctioned by medicine or society, and being appreciatively written about in every medical journal and mainstream medium, it was obviously nothing I wanted.
That is the difference.  



Κλαις; (short story)

The following story is a work of fiction and bears no relation to existing people or events

Now you say you’re lonely
You cried the long night through
Well, you can cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you

Nadja: Why are you looking at me like that?
Bill: I followed you down the street, once.

You ask people to forgive but you do not forgive yourself. And it’s very telling how you now respond by icing these people & withdrawing emotional intimacy seemingly as form of punishment.

Why nuke all these shared moments? Why burn Leda and the Swan? Emotional withdrawal and withdrawal of intimacy is what an abuser does in a toxic relationship.

You said you were a Kafka fan, and I remember how Kafka wanted all his work destroyed after his death. We are only able to read his works in the present because someone violated Kafka’s deathbed wish. I could no longer read Kafka when I found out.

Because I have saved a couple of the moments you’ve nuked, I have now unwillingly become the keeper of a secret.

I have a moment here where you’re drunkenly trying to play Bach. You stagger over to your piano, arrange the tabs with trembling hands & begin to play, I can tell by ear that you are messing up, quickly you give up. You stagger back to the microphone, you apologize, go back to the piano and then you play the blues which you manage better.

I kept this moment because I was surprised at how self-conscious you were of your playing despite being so drunk. I came across this moment while researching you, back when I was so angry at you yet fascinated enough to keep searching for the answers you would not give. It was a moment that humanized you in my eyes after I had so thoroughly dehumanized you, so I kept it. Because before that moment, I could only see you as a drunk in a dress.

This moment, by virtue of being memory-holed by you, has now been turned into a secret, and I have become the keeper of this secret against my will. Secrets burn a hole in your soul the way money burns a hole in your poket, and I hate being the keeper of secrets.

The following story is a work of fiction and bears no relation to real people or events

Ineffable, hidden, brilliant scion, whose motion is whirring, you scattered the dark mist that lay before your eyes and, flapping your wings, you whirled about, and through this world you brought pure light

Από στιγμή σε στιγμή, από δευτερόλεπτο σε δευτερόλεπτο, στην ράχη του φιδιού.

Σε μια ντισκοτέκ στο τέλος του σύμπαντος στον πάτο μιας μαύρης τρύπας, η Ναταλίτσα μου φοράει την λαμπερή κορώνα της και χορεύει με τα πιο φάνκι τραγούδια

Και χορεύει

Και χορεύει

Και χορεύει

Και χορεύει

Και χορεύει

Και χορεύει

Και χορεύει

Και χορεύει

Και χορεύει

Και χορεύει

Και ξεφυσάει σύννεφα καπνού που γίνονται νέοι γαλαξίες.


Σε κάθε γωνιά του κόσμου της κάποιος χορεύει μαζί της.

Μετά από το πάρτι για να χαλαρώσουμε με πάει βόλτα στην παραλία και εκεί εμφανίζεται ο φίλος μου ο κλόουν.
Γιατί η Ναταλάτσα όλα τα βλέπει και όλα τα ξέρει.
Της ιστορίες μου. Τις τύψεις μου. Τις λύπες μου.
Ακόμα και τα όνειρα μου.
Όποια γλώσσα κι αν κόψω για να τα γράψω.
Όπου κι αν τα κρύψω.

“Ο χτύπος της καρδιάς σου αντιλαλεί τα κύματα της θάλασσας.” μου ψιθύρισε.

Κάθε φορά που αγγίζω το κύμα που έρχεται και φεύγει σε χαϊδεύω εκεί ανάμεσα στα βαμένα φρύδια σου, εκεί που είπες πως σου αρέσει να σε χαϊδεύουν σαν γατούλα.

Σκοτεινή Μητέρα,

Το μόνο που θέλω για τα γενέθλια μου είναι η Ναταλίτσα να μπορεί να περπατάει στο δάσος ελεύθερη και χωρίς φόβο. Να μπορεί να πάει όπου θέλει και μην υπάρχει μέρος στον κόσμο που να μην μπορεί να πάει. Να χαϊδέυει ο ήλιος που δεν είναι λάμπα νέον τα μάγουλα της.


After the pulse, gaps in time



because Dutch gothic metal sopranos do it better.