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The following part of this blog entry is pure fiction and no relation to existing people or events is implied.

Grillisma (short story) 13MAY2014

by drs. Efthimia Dilpizoglou

(c) 2014 all rights reserved

«Έχεις απίστευτο κώλο.», whispers a girl into your ear after the test audience screening of your next science fiction movie. You were hoping for constructive criticism but compliments of any kind are always welcome. Το Γρύλισμα agrees, dives straight into your underwear, emerges with your two butt cheeks and throws them onto the barbecue grill. The smell of your ass getting roasted over hot coals makes you hungry.
“Have you ever been to a vegan BBQ? I have.”, says το Γρύλισμα, chewing on a drumstick stolen from your pianodrumset. “Oh, it was so miserable. I ended up eating every vegan at the BBQ. I did them a favour, really. They were tastier than the food.”.
The girl caresses your neck. “I have told you why I attend vegan μπάρμπεκιους. Vegans are natural born masochists. How else can you go through life when you’re absolutely sure that 98% of the people around you are serial killers and rapists because they eat dead animals and drink “rape-juice”? Only a born masochist would opt for such a life. When you are a professional S&M pornographer like I am, that’s who you are looking for. Masochistic girls are over-represented amongst vegans and they are the first to admit they are σκέτες γαμιόλες. Vegans can’t fuck 98% of the serial killers and rapist-juicers around them, so they are sexually deprived and deprivation makes one depraved. Even separatist lesbians have the statistics more on their side when it comes to dating than these vegans do. It is for this reason that some of my best S&M performers are militant animal lovers I picked up at vegan BBQs. Look at Marina Ann Hantzis. It’s no wonder that the woman who performed the most bestial sex scenes is in reality such an animal lover, she identified with and behaved exactly like a filthy beast of the field in every single one of her movies. My kind of girl. Things like drinking urine, when you are a vegan doing that is immensely preferable to drinking rape-juice. Licking a toilet seat as part of a scene in pornography is also vegan.”. The girl’s tongue is awfully close to the absolutely disgusting trace of your lips now. You turn away. You keep growing a thick beard to make your face resemble the hairy bush on your arms in order to keep girls like this at bay, to no avail because girls like furry animals.
«Να την φαω κι’αυτην;» asks το Γρύλισμα.
«Μόνο αν συνεχίζει να συνεργάζεται με τον Soderbergh. Όταν σταμάτησε να κάνει πορνό έγινε άχρηστη. Τι μαλακία ήταν το The Juliette Society. Κουτσουλοχαρτο για το κλουβί του πουλιού. Κυριολεκτικά birdcage liner. Αν το έκανε ταινία θα ηταν τουλάχιστον κάτι.».
«Τι θα’ θελες να δοκιμάσεις απ’ το BBQ;», το Γρύλισμα is already eyeing the other drumstick, which you forbid because you need at least one drumstick to be able to play the pianodrum.
«Έναν μονόκερο καπνιστό.», you say after a while. «Ας πεινάσουμε λίγο ακόμα. Δεν θα φάμε άλογο εμείς.».
«Is it phallic envy γιατί σου έφαγα το dick σου;»
«Ισως. It’s Mia Sara who wants to kill the Unicorn and let us all sink into darkness afterwards. Καταπιες ποτέ το κέρατο;».
«Αυτό δεν καταπίνεται με τίποτα.».
Your girlfriend comes over. The girl has her arms around you and doesn’t see her. Should you warn the girl about your girlfriend or let things take their natural course? You’re an asshole so you do the latter.
«Ντιλντο γίνεται;». You pose the question out loud so that your girlfriend can hear you.
«Ρωτάς εμένα; Ρωτήστε καμιά από τις γαμιολες σου.», shurgs το Γρύλισμα, giving you a why-me look.
You turn to the girl. «Γαμιόλα, εσυ τι λες;».
“Unicorn dildos are not vegan. Toilet licking is. Drinking urine is vegan and is preferable to drinking rape-juice.”.
«Μπράβο γαμιόλα, το’ ξερα ότι είσαι έξυπνη. And baby you only dream of unicorns in your sleep. Από’ δώ το κορίτσι μου και απο εκεί το Γρύλισμα μου.».
“Have you had a piece of my boyfriend’s ass yet, γαμιόλα;”, asks your girlfriend, somewhat agitated. You like it when girls are fighting over you like this, you fantasize you’re Axl Rose in the Don’t Cry music video with chicks on the floor beating one another up over you. You are more of an Axl than an Alex anyway. Axl plays the piano, Axl covers a song by the crazed hippie cult leader whose crazed cult-members butchered the pregnant wife of your favourite film-maker which resulted in him turning into a predatory pedophile, Axl went into psychotherapy and was taking lithium for a while, the similarities are endless. Pretty Tied Up could’ve been your own song. Like you, Axl was such an insufferable bastard that only a smack junkie in a strapless bra would agree to be in a band with Axl, but only for a short while because even the smack addict had enough of Axl in the end and bugged out to the UK.
“I heard he was getting grilled by the critics after the test screening αλλά είχα άλλα στο μυαλό μου. I am here to talk business with your boyfriend. Είμαι μια σοβαρή ηθοποιός.». She says that with her arms still around you, nibbling away on a carrot. There you are at your BBQ with your girlfriend, the girl, the grill, το Γρύλισμα, and from the corner of your eye you spot the blogger, incognito with a hoodie taking notes and snapping pictures, party-crashing your test screening. How did she survive the blogger holocaust? Why didn’t she spontaneously combust walking down the street like all the other bloggers? Το Γρύλισμα is already crawling across the room in her direction, mouth wide open. The blogger habitually reaches into her pocket and pulls out a T-bone steak. Definitely not a vegan, she. She holds it up before το Γρύλισμα and says: “You. Dead meat.”.

References:

Various Facebook entries, promos and song lyrics by The Boy.

Why Did Sasha Grey Exit Pornography?
http://liberationcollective.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/why-did-sasha-grey-exit-pornography

το Γρύλισμα appears courtesy of ΜΟΥΣΙΚΟ ΚΙΝΗΜΑ: (ΜΑΥΡΕΣ) ΤΡΙΧΕΣ.

 

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